How to comfort someone when they're upset (properly)

We’ve all been there. We’re upset and all we need is to be comforted by our friends and family with a hug and a few nice words. Except what do we get? “Plenty more fish in the sea”, “Oh I’ve been through this all before, when this happened to me bla bla…”, “A year from now you‘ll look back and laugh”, “You’ll be fine, chin up and think positively.”

Are these the kind comforting words we would like to hear when we are sad from a break up, the death of a loved one, a betrayal, a shock diagnosis, or even a natural disaster?  

No! Do they make us feel better? No! Do we really want to listen to our friend bang on about their experience when - hello! - we’re the ones whose lives have just fallen apart? No!

And then there’s the other scenario where you find yourself experiencing a friend go through an upsetting time. You struggle to find the appropriate words to comfort them and end up saying things that don’t help at all.

So where did this rant come from? Did I recently suffer a break up? Did my dog die? Well no, my life is actually pretty darn good at the moment, although of course I have experienced those things in the past. But what brought this to my attention is a book.

Ever since I started working for a non-fiction book publisher I’ve learnt so much wisdom. I’ll be honest I had never picked up a self-help book before I begun working here (no not even The Secret - which might I had is a total crock!). But because I’m pretty much forced to read these books so I can generate publicity for them I’ve got to say I’ve become pleasantly surprised with this water-and-pebbles genre.

I intend to share a lot more book wisdom in future blog posts but for now I will focus on one book in question, and that is The Reality Slap by Dr. Russ Harris. Now a reality slap is exactly the scenarios I mentioned at the beginning of this post. It’s something that hits you right in the face, changes your life and leaves you picking up the pieces wondering where it all went wrong. Yes, divorce, death, separation, depression, all those lovely things that make life, life.

As I was reading through The Reality Slap gathering intel so I could write the press release for it, I came across Chapter 3 entitled “A caring hand”. Instantly I was mesmerised. You know when you’re reading a book and you struggle to really concentrate and focus on what it’s saying? (That’s for another day, thank you Mindfulness For Life). Well this chapter had me hooked and it’s because it was just so true.

Russ says, “When reality slaps you hard and leaves you reeling, what do you want from the people you love? Most of us want pretty much the same thing. We want to know there is someone there for us: someone who truly cares about us; someone who takes the time to understand us; someone who recognises our pain and appreciates how badly we are suffering; someone who will make the time to be with us and allow us to share our true feelings, without expecting us to cheer up or put on a brave face and pretend everything is okay; someone who will support us, treat us kindly and offer to help; someone who demonstrates through their actions that we are not alone.”

Isn’t that lovely? Wouldn’t we all love a friend like that? Russ says that some people respond to our pain very well (like said description) and some people do not, and that is because often people just don’t how to respond. Why? Because society hasn’t taught us what to do!

Admit it, you’ve probably said or done (maybe not knowingly) at least one of the following to someone you know who was upset:

• You quoted proverbs: ‘Plenty more fish in the sea’, ‘Time heals all wounds’, ‘Every cloud has a silver lining’.
• You told them to ‘think positively’.
• You asked about their situation, but then quickly changed the subject.
• You gave them advice: ‘What you should do is this’, ‘Have you thought about doing such and such?’
• You trumped their pain: ‘Oh yes, I’ve been through this many a time myself. Here’s what worked for me.’
• You trivialised or diminished their pain: ‘Put into perspective, there are kids starving in Africa ...’
• You tried to distract them from their pain: ‘Let’s get drunk!’ ‘Let’s go out and have some fun’, ‘Let’s eat some chocolate’, ‘Let’s watch a movie’.
• Not visit them or spend time with them or even actively avoiding them.
• Giving them factual information related to the issue, and/or strategies to deal with it, without first asking about they feel.
• Trying to minimise their pain: ‘You’ll look back on this and laugh’, ‘A year from now, this will be a distant memory’.
• Insulting them: ‘You’re making a big deal out of nothing’, ‘Take it like a man’, ‘Grow up!’
• Blaming them: ‘You brought this on yourself’, ‘If you hadn’t done X, Y and Z, then this would never have happened’, ‘I warned you this would happen’.

Do any of these sound familiar?

So what should we do when something incredibly painful, hurtful or stressful happens to someone in our life?

Russ says that first of all, as a general rule, a compassionate response must come before anything else. If someone leaps in with advice, proverbs, positive thinking or action plans, without first demonstrating their compassion, we are likely to feel upset, annoyed, offended, hurt or irritated — often without quite realising why this is.

“When we are hurting, most of us want to feel understood, accepted and cared for before we are ready to start looking for solutions or strategies, or new ways of thinking about a situation. After we feel understood, accepted and cared for, we may then be grateful for some of those responses on the list above. But obviously not for the offensive ones — when someone blames us, or minimises our problems, or tells us that we should be stronger, naturally we will feel even worse.”

Here are some compassionate responses that safely meet the criteria for most people:

• Giving them a hug, embrace or a cuddle.
• Holding their hand.
• Placing an arm around them.
• Validating their pain: ‘This must be so hard for you’ or ‘I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through’ or ‘I can see you’re in terrible pain’.
• Saying nothing, just sitting with them and allowing them to be.
• In some circumstances, such as a painful loss, you may hold them while they cry, or even cry with them.
• Offering support: ‘Is there anything I can do to help?’
• Asking how they feel.
• Sharing your own reactions: ‘I’m so sorry’ or ‘I’m so angry’ or ‘I feel so helpless. I wish there was something I could do’ or even ‘I don’t know what to say’.
• Creating space for their pain: ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ or ‘It’s okay to cry’ or ‘We don’t have to talk. I’m happy just to sit here with you’.
• Giving support unconditionally, such as making dinner for them, or taking care of their kids, or helping them out with their daily tasks.
• Making the effort to actually go and visit them, and spend some time with them in person.
• Genuinely listening, as they tell you about what they’re going through.
• Saying something like, ‘I’m here for you’ and genuinely meaning it

These sorts of responses all send the same message: I’m here for you, I care about you, I accept you, I understand you, I see you’re in pain, and I want to help.

So hopefully the next time you find yourself with a friend or relation hurting you’ll now know the best way to support and comfort them and to truly be a good friend. And fingers crossed your friends and family know too! 

*Extracted from The Reality Slap by Dr. Russ Harris.